Ebola might be in DC, and I am still not freaking out:

"But Dr. M, you live in DC!!" Wait, slow your roll. Stop the panic. What we have in DC is two SUSPECT Ebola cases. They have not been confirmed. What we know: Both individuals have a history of travel to West Africa. One to Nigeria which is troubling because Nigeria thought they had their Ebola outbreak under control. The individual who went to Nigeria has symptoms highly consistent with Ebola and is in quarantine. Public health department be jumping on his family and friends. The other individual, whose African country has not been released at the time of me writing this, has "flu like symptoms." Now why is that person in quarantine? 
1. Better safe than sorry. 
2. Early stages of Ebola look like influenza...and it's unfortunately that time of year when people get the flu. 
3. He traveled to West Africa.  

Now you might say, "Dr. M, that's not comforting." Okay, well it is to me. Why? 1. They're in quarantine. 
2. Mr. Ebola sucks at spreading in a first world country. 

Want proof? See my earlier post about aerial transmission. Do you routinely let other people sneeze in your face? I don't. And let's look at some of the other transmission methods I described earlier. Mr. Ebola is here to help. 

**Urine, Vomit and Diarrhea** 

I lump these three together because the way they get infected are similar. First Mr. Ebola hangs out in the blood stream till he gets to the gastrointestinal tract, that being your esophagus, stomach, intestines and colon. He can also go to your kidneys and jump into the urine. He does this by damaging cells and creates cracks in the water proofing layer that keeps food in your gut (or urine in your kidney tubules)and blood on the outside of it. The Gastrointestinal and urinary tract organs are covered with LOADS of blood vessels, so you can kick toxins out of the body, absorb nutrients from food and keep your gut cells happy and well taken care of. But all those blood vessels are a weakness with blood borne pathogens. They use it as a route 95 right into your pee, poop and vomit.  

So Mr. Ebola jumps the barrier and makes a break for the outside world, well protected from drying out since he's in a gooey puddle of ...something nasty. In Africa, they really don't have great sanitation, and no easy way to clean stuff up. In America, if you puke on the floor, you go get a sponge and a bucket and some nice yellow rubber kitchen gloves. And hopefully some bleach water or lysol. And you clean that shit up. This means that unless Americans have forgotten how to clean houses and wash their hands, Mr.Ebola's favorite method of transmission in Africa is effectively knocked out. Sorry Mr. Ebola. Go back to killing the Third World nations.

** Blood, Saliva and Sweat** 

Okay, so this is Mr. Ebola's second favorite transmission method. I've lumped them together like this: Mr. Ebola's favorite habitat is the blood. He swims around and lives in your white blood cells plus the cells lining the inside of your arteries and veins. When you have Ebola, you bleed into your mouth, so your saliva has blood particles in it. Just like how the blood leaks into your guts. Blood vessels under the skin in your mouth get leaky and hurt. And Mr. Ebola hitches a ride in that taxi, hoping you will kiss someone, or spit somewhere. If someone else was to accidentally rub an open wound in said spit or a sweat soaked blanket, voila. Mr. Ebola just gained a new host! Way to go Ebola that works well in West Africa. People over there don't have Laundromats to wash blankets and they tend to greet family members with lots of personal displays of affection. Also, they live in crowded city slums in areas like Monrovia, where Ebola is hitting the hardest. That many people packed together in the hot humid jungle, and you're all sweating on your sister and your children who are sharing a bed with you. Super plan Ebola, high five little buddy! 

Don't worry Americans! Unless you passed out at a crazy frat party, we don't really swing that way over here. People wash their linens regularly, don't go kissing relatives on the mouth a whole lot- let alone strangers, and we COVER OPEN WOUNDS. See we have places like Super Walmart where you can buy bandages almost 24 hours a day. Now you might say, hey the homeless don't have those things! Yes, well the homeless also don't habitually spend time in airports where they might encounter international travelers from Africa bringing the disease here. But I'll give you that point, the homeless/destitute population would be vulnerable. Let that be in impetus for us to take better care of our own poor.

Wet T-shirt contest, with Ebola.

Mr. Ebola wishes he could crawl in my veins.

**Milk and Semen** 

Ok these two are oddities on the global pathogen scale for humans, but they make sense. You have blood vessels in your boobs. Mr. Ebola can make them leak and jump ship. Perhaps you should have bottle fed....but in Africa they don't have that option either. Way to go Ebola, killing babies. That's low bro. And speaking of Bros, any dude will tell you that the testicles are vascular organs which bruise. What a dick move Ebola, they don't have loads of condoms in Africa! But in Ebola's mind, it's a sound strategy. Because how many times is that dude going to get lucky before his village finds out he's sick? 

Nefarious Mr. Ebola. You clearly read the evil overlord list. Next time, we'll talk more about how Ebola kills, and what we can do to stop it. 

Any of you with science backgrounds, I encourage you to hit up the CDC's website and learn for yourself! http://emergency.cdc.gov/han/han00371.asp

-Dr M